There’s a bit of a paradox in the self-help and spiritual communities.
We want to improve our lives, gain wealth, improve relationships, and perfect our bodies. At the same time we quote Buddha all the time and talk of “letting go” of desires and attachments.
Are we being self contradictory? Are we just using the Buddha as an inappropriate celebrity testimonial?
It can seem that way sometimes, and I’ll explain why this isn’t the case.
Let’s go through the Four Noble Truths real quick.
1. Everybody suffers
2. Desire is the cause of suffering.
3. The way out of suffering is the cessation of desire
4. The way to do this is to follow the Eightfold Path/Middle Way
Now what does it mean to “cease” or desires. In my view, the last thing Buddha wanted us to do was to suppress anything, if suppress typically means to push our needs and wants under our consciousness and act like they’re not there.
What is a more likely interpretation is that Buddha wanted us to “release” our desires. This means to accept they are there, see them for what they are, and let them go.
But is desire even the right word? Taken to the extreme, perhaps the surest route to enlightenment is in fact letting go of all desires outside of enlightenment (is that a desire as well?).
However, for most of us, I think we’re best changing the word “desire” to “attachment.” Release all of your attachments in this world, and good things and peace of mind come your way.
Desire is such a broad word, that it would help to break it down. There are two types of desires: attachments, and preferences.
Attachments are what you feel you need in order to be happy or at peace. Without them, you consign yourself to a steady feeling of discomfort or anguish.
Preferences are simply things you… well… “prefer.” As an example, at Thanksgiving, I was fortunate to get the most comfortable seat at the table, as well as the leg of the turkey, which was my favorite part. I desired both of those things, but they weren’t attachments. I merely found the prospect of eating the leg to be more enjoyable than eating the white meat. I wouldn’t have been unhappy had the person serving himself before me had taken the leg for himself.
If I had actually been attached to the turkey leg, then I would be eagerly and needily watching the meat plate be passed around, hoping and praying that no one would touch the leg. Once I got the leg, I would be relieved, and dig into it almost pathetically. Instead, I was merely just pleased and a little surprised to get it.
When you desire, you can always tell if it is an attachment or preference. When you’re out with a date, are you feeling like if this person walked away, it could be a long time before you found someone again? Then you’re attached.
The feeling behind your desire should always be, “If this doesn’t work out, I’ll be fine.” There’s no neediness, no “gimmee” feelings and especially no internal commitment to be unhappy until this desire is satisfied.
You’ll find that people that operate based on preferences instead of attachments get their way far more often, than people who have great “musts,” in life. There are a couple reasons for this.
If you’re at a restaurant and need your meal to come faster, your server will feel the pressure on him or her, and be more likely to be locked up. If you merely prefer speedy service, the server will relax and attend to your desires accordingly.
When you’re attached to having more money coming in, there’s an anxiety which clouds your judgment in making important decisions. When you simply prefer having more money, you can appreciate the present moment more while making more lucid decisions.
For now, work on converting your attachments into preferences and see what happens.
