The Ethical Asshole: Jerk Game Defined

by Dan on July 3, 2009


Note:  This post is for single men, but women can learn a thing or two from this as well.

In my personal travels figuring out just what makes men attractive to women, I’ve come to some pretty powerful conclusions lately.

I’ve realized the full extent why jerks get girls, why girls love the bad boys, and why “nice guys” suck.

There are a couple of popular theories to this:

  • 5000 years ago, you’d make a better caveman if you were a dickhead.
  • Jerks are confident and nice guys are shy and wussy
  • Girls mostly have low self esteem so they want a guy who treats them how they deserve.

All of these theories have at least some evidence and sound logic to back them up, but are missing key factors.

I’ll tell you a story which illustrated the true essence of Jerk game for me. I call it Jerk Extract, taking everything that women love about jerks, and leaving all that actually sucks about being a jerk.

I was at my favorite coffee shop for a number of hours, when I realized the source of my growing headache. Whoever was in charge of the coffee bar that day had the same seven minute song on repeat. After a dozen times of hearing the same awful song, I was about to snap, feeling very “hulk smash.”

I started to walk up to the barista to ask her to change it. Then I found myself hesitating. I didn’t want to be rude, and didn’t want to be an asshole.

I stopped in my tracks.

“Wait,” I asked myself. “Am I being considerate of the barista’s feelings, or being considerate of how she’ll see me if I make my complaint?”

It occurred to me that being “considerate” has two motivations, one completely valid, and one completely invalid.

Any time you try not to be rude, or step around how someone will react to what you’re saying, you’re either:

A)  Managing her opinion of you

B)  Managing her opinion of herself

There’s an argument that both of these are bullshit, but I think B is definitely valid and important for any loving, ethical male.

I realized that the only thing worth considering is if you’re hurting the person’s self esteem, never if they think you’re a slimeball or even the Devil himself.

While not absolute by any means there is a general guideline to follow.  When you make someone mad, you’re breaking their image of you. When you make someone sad, you’re breaking their image of themselves. This is just a general guideline and experience will reveal more about how this works.

I changed my social philosophy to not caring if anyone thinks I’m a jerk, asshole, or prick. I only care about if the person feels like he/she is a victim, or not good enough, or unattractive, etc.

Jerk Extract is not caring if you APPEAR to be a jerk. You don’t have to BE a jerk, you just have to be OK with LOOKING that way.

You don’t TRY to look like a jerk. You just do not care if someone thinks you’re one.

My philosophy with every woman I talk to is “I love you too much to care if you love me back.” If she thinks I’m an asshole, I still love her. If she thinks I’m a loser, I still love her. My image does not matter at all.

To make things clear, I do not walk on eggshells to not make a woman feel bad. I just maintain normal consideration. For example, I will never insult a woman, like saying her teeth are yellow or breasts are too small. That’s just mean.

The problem “nice guys” have is that they care if the girl thinks they’re nice. The girl can tell that the guy is more concerned about what she’ll think of him than how she actually feels.

A nice guy could be very ethical, generous, and kind, but a huge priority for him is people thinking he’s a good person.  A good man cares only about being good by his own definition.

As a Master, you walk through the world obeying your own values and no one else’s. If you have love for yourself and everyone around you, you aren’t going to be mean. It’s just not possible.

One Friday night, I was at a burrito shop with a woman I just met twenty minutes earlier outside a bar. I took a napkin and started wiping the crumbs and dirt off the table.

She said “Oh, thank you. That’s nice but you don’t need to do that.”

I said “I’m not doing it for you; I’m doing it for me.”

It’s the truth. I let her know I’m in this for myself and not her. However, she knows that I will never do anything to hurt her. I am not mean, I just walk by my own standards; no one else’s.

When you’re at a bar, approaching women, or anywhere at all, take notice of your hesitations to say certain phrases that come to mind. Some might sound over-sexual. Some might sound mean, or insulting.

Did you know there are 100% completely appropriate times to call a girl a bitch, a ho’, and a skank? When you say those words at the right time, with love, not meanness, the girl loves it. It’s like when you fool around with your buddies and call them faggots or dumbasses. It’s a negative word said with love, so it carries a positive energy.

Next time you feel an inkling to add a risque word to a text message, or say something off the wall gangsta’ to a girl, check in whether you’re holding back for you, or for her. If it’s for you, go ahead and say it. You want to peel off the false crap on your soul that tells you what anyone thinks of you matters.

A couple things will happen when you learn to do this.

For one thing, the lowest self esteem women in your life will hate you and drop away very quickly. Accept this. They didn’t belong with you anyway, and everything you liked about them you will find in higher self esteem women.

Next, the women you do know will notice a change. Some will feel funny about it, but they’ll still love it. If they can’t adjust, they can find another person who acts like the old you who cared too much about what others thought. You two may not be compatible anymore. It’s ok. Let it go. There will be more women and friends who want to hang with you than you’ll have time with. The rest of the women you know will be really happy and love you even more.

The women you meet from this point on will be magnetized to your freedom. Some won’t, but you’ll realize that not everyone is a match for you, and that’s 100% ok. At any given bar, there’s only a fraction of girls you’d be truly happy with hanging out with socially or sexually anyway.

The new women you meet will think you’ve always been like this, and that’s fine. Don’t tell them what you’re doing differently from others. Take ZERO pride in any of this. Humility is crucial. I couldn’t be a friendly asshole if I didn’t sincerely love every person I meet without exception. I love puppies and 7’11 delivery men equally, if that says anything. The “aww…” factor is equal for both.

If you find your ego rising, remind yourself that what you can accomplish, all can accomplish, if they believed in themselves. This is a good place to use Sedona Method when you find yourself feeling too cocky.

A Note on Apologies: As a general rule, never apologize for an offense never mentioned.

For example, you might text a girl something risque and not get a text back for a while, or one that seems unfriendly. DO NOT APOLOGIZE. The apology is always worse than the offense itself, unless you’re given legally certifiable proof that you’ve hurt her feelings. Apologies often actually make girls madder, because they wanted you to be strong and now you’re showing you’re not. In other words she thinks then “Not only is this guy a prick, but he’s a wussy prick. Ewww!”

If a girl explicitly tells you, “That hurt my feelings,” or “That wasn’t nice,” and looks down with sadness, then it’s fine to say “I’m sorry.” You’re apologizing because you miscommunicated, not because your intention was bad in itself.

These cases where you actually need to apologize are rare enough that I wonder if I should even mention them, but I do think they’re there.

Anyway, I’ll look forward to hearing your experiences trying this out.

Always in bliss,


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